Storms & Rainbows 🌈

I really don’t know how to feel or what to do at this point in time. My husband wants to go back to school. Which is great. I’m not knocking that at all. But for what he wants to do, we are going to have to move. That means selling the house and moving out of state. I don’t want to be the one holding him back. So I am behind him on this. But it is soo scary to think about everything that goes with that. Finding a place to live, making sure we have what we need to live on. Figuring out how we are going to get by. Figuring out bills and payments. EVERYTHING. Not to mention that I have never lived anywhere other than Topeka in my whole 36, almost 37 years of life. And then I worry about how this will effect Abby. We are going to have to pull her out of school early to move. And then plop her in another school with new people. Will she be ok ? Like really? I Am soo scared to do this. I keep trying to tell myself this is like an adventure. It won’t be all that bad. I think the unknown is what scares me the most. I just want things to be ok. My brain is on overdrive, and I can’t stop it.

Why is it soo hard to talk to my boss about things that should be talked about?

A pharmacist I work with can have a bad time sometimes. I feel like he can be a bit grumpy and picks on us girls in the front more than needed. I don’t know what I can do to make it better. It sucks. I don’t want him to be mad at me. I just want us all to get along.

Boss says that said pharmacist is a little annoyed by another worker who is super slow at learning our system. Which I can tell you is not an easy system to learn. I get that. But we all learn at different paces. I don’t know. We were doing soo well for quite a bit after Rachel left. And now we are slowly going back to the way we were before she left.

Why does it have to be this way?

Anxiety and grief and difficult things to deal with. Anger sometimes manifests itself through this and in all this mix depression lingers in the background.

Mark got me a new wedding set for Christmas, lost the stone out of that one and ordered a different set. That was a huge kerfuffle that I don’t want to get into right now. Enough to say I got a new set and now we are on our way to Manhattan to get a warranty on it. But first, lunch.

I wish Oliver could be here with us. I know he is over my shoulder always watching. But it’s not the same. I should be changing diapers and rocking him and cuddling him. But I’m not.

On another note, Christmas was nice. Sunday we had Christmas with the in laws, very nice. I felt like I was sort of connecting with my sister in law. As much as I can, at least. Christmas with my dad and Grandma Judy was laid back with pizza, chatting and presents on Christmas eve. And on Christmas day we went to my sisters to hang out eat lots of food, and just have a good time.

I am soo blessed to have all this family around me. And such wonderful friends too. I love each and every one of them and appreciate all they do for me.

I know noone really reads this but me…and that’s ok. It helps me to get some of this out.

Love and Sunflowers.

I’m late for my period. Which either means that I am just late ( I’ve been a week late before) or that I am pregnant again. Which terrifies me. I want to know and I don’t all at the same time. What if it goes wrong again and I lose another sweet baby? Losing Oliver was the hardest yet. I am soo scared.

Today I let myself cry for you. I miss you. I want to feel you inside me, kicking and moving..knowing that you are ok. I will forever be scarred by your loss. But if a scar is all I have left of you, then I will keep it and speak your name when noone else will. I will keep you in my heart for all the days of my life and you will live there until I can see you in heaven.

I am sad. And i miss you dearly. I am scared to get pregnant again. But i will never stop trying. Thank you for being in our life for those short weeks. We needed that joy.

Today I called the funeral home to find out if Oliver was ready to be brought home. They said yes. Then called back 5 minutes later saying that he was too big for the keepsake urn that we picked out for him. Now we have to go back and pick out another one. And wait even longer to get him home. This sucks

Sweet Oliver,

I’m sorry my body couldn’t keep you safe. I know you are in the safest place, in Heaven with Jesus and your family. I just wish I could have kept you safe here on Earth. I’m sorry my sweet baby boy. I’m sorry.

We lost our sweet baby boy. His little heart stopped beating. We were at the sonogram to find out if he was a boy or girl. The tech got real quiet, and then she said those words that I never want to hear. “There is no heartbeat.”

We had to go to the hospital and deliver our baby vaginally (at this point we still didn’t know who you were, boy or girl). That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. We still have to go and get him cremated and put him in a little urn.

I just keep thinking what I could have done differently. But I did everything I was supposed to. Hopefully insurance covers genetic testing on the baby so maybe we can get some answers. If not, we will never know, I suppose.

My sweet baby,

I finally delivered you that morning at 12:20am on July 27th. And we finally found out you were a boy. Our sweet, Oliver. I got to hold you in my hands and see your sweet, tiny, peaceful face. You will always be my perfect angel. I’m sorry things had to be this way for you. You, my boy, were destined for greater things than even I can imagine. So just watch over us, and be with us always. Love you Oliver.